Episode 6: Job

This is your Bible…

Strap in. It’s the book of Job at 90 miles per hour…

[Chapter 1] Job. Job was AWESOME. Satan crashed a meeting between the LORD and his angels. God: “Where’d you come from?” Satan: “Oh, you know.” God: “Check out my man, Job. He’s AWESOME.” Satan: “Sure he is… take his toys away and he’ll hate you.” God: “It’s on. You do it. Just don’t hurt him.” Went down like this: Sabeans took his oxen and asses and killed his servants. Fire of God burned up his sheep and more servants. Chaldeans took his camels and killed even more servants. Tornado killed all his kids. Job fell down and praised the LORD. [Ch. 2] God: “Word.” Satan: “Oh, you know.” God: “Check out my man Job? Still AWESOME, even after I let you trash his crib.” Satan: “That’s just stuff. Make it hurt and he’ll hate you big time.” God: “It’s on. But don’t kill him.” Satan went nuts on Job and gave him boils all over. Job’s wife: “You’re pathetic. Curse God and die.” Job: “No, you’re pathetic.” And Job remained AWESOME. Job’s boys Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar rode in. Job looked like crap so they cried and carried on. Then they all sat there for a week and no one said a freakin’ word. Then it all happened… [3] Job: “I wish I was never born!” [4-5] Eliphaz: “You must have done something to piss God off. Idea: throw yourself on his mercy.” [6-7] Job: “Nice. Even my friends don’t believe me. Can’t sleep. Body looks like a rotting corpse. God, why me?” [8] Bildad: “You still talking? Tell him you’re sorry. If you’re innocent, he’ll fix everything.” [9] Job: “If you don’t know what I’ve done wrong, how do you know I’m suffering punishment for wrongdoing? Checkmate!” [10] “God, why did you let me be born if you knew this was going to happen?” [11] Zophar: “He’s taking it easy on you. You deserve twice as much for what you’ve done. Whatever it is.” [12] Job: “Oh, you’re so smart. God’s in charge here, not you.” [13,14] “You guys are the worst friends ever. God, please make it stop.” [15] Eliphaz: “Stop trying to justify yourself, you’re gonna make it worse.” [16] Job: “I would have treated you guys better if the tables were turned.” [17] “It’s not my fault.” [18] “Is too.” [19] “Is not. Is anyone taking notes here?” [20] Zophar: “You know, Job, the wicked always get what’s coming to them.” [21] Job: “Liars! All of you!” [22] Eliphaz: “You’re not so great. I’ve seen you do some stuff.” [23,24] Job: “I’m sorry I’m nagging. I just wish I could talk to him in person but I don’t know where he lives.” [25] Bildad: “You can’t talk directly to God. Nobody can do that.” [26-28] Job: “You guys are losers.” [29] Job: “I used to have it so good.” [30,31] “Now everything sucks.” [32-37] Elihu: “All four of you suck.” [38-41] God: “Jump back, Jack. I made this whole place. How dare you correct me.” Job: “I know. I suck. I’ll shut up now.” God: “I made one of these. You think there’s anything I can’t do?” Job: “I’ve never seen one of those.” God: “Don’t talk back.” [42] Job: “I’m sorry.” God: “Don’t worry about it. You three make me sick. Go sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams.” And God gave Job all his stuff back and more. Job: “Can I have my children back too?” God: “Not the same ones. That would require cloning and that’s just wrong.” And God gave him seven more sons and three daughters.

This is your Bible on psychotherapy…

And the Holy Spirit said, “What do you think?” And God said, “I hate this! 42 chapters? Nothing happens except at the beginning and the end. Where’s the hitch, the twist, the complication? It’s a nightmare! It didn’t really happen like this, did it? I’m gone for 40 chapters! A lot of people are going to see this.” The Holy Spirit said, “I can beef it up. Make the characters stronger, give you a twist. But you might not like it.” And the LORD said, “Just fix it.”

So the Holy Spirit brought in an angelic time-traveling social worker and said, “This is full of idiots. Give me action, discovery. Balls. Do what you need to do. Your job’s on the line. We go to print tomorrow.”

The Case Files #1: The Ice Queen

Satan went nuts on Job and gave him boils all over. Job’s wife… The social worker yanked Job’s wife out of space and time and showed her all the good times she and Job had had with their children. She said, “You’ve both been through a terrible tragedy. Nothing can replace your family and you can’t be expected to pick up and carry on like nothing’s happened. But you can choose which well to draw your next action from — your well of anger or your well of grief.” And Job’s wife’s heart broke under the weight of her loss. The social worker said, “Go.” Job’s wife: Job, I know you want to be alone right now but I’m hurting too. I’m here if you need me. And I love you.”

The Case Files #2: The Armchair Philosophers

Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar rode in. They cried and sat there for… an hour. Then Job’s wife came out in tears and said, “What the hell are you guys doing? This is not knights of the round table. This is our life in ruins. Either make yourselves useful or get out.” They were jarred to their feet. Eliphaz went and collected food from the neighbors. Bildad knew a doctor and fetched him to treat Job’s boils and make him more comfortable. Zophar had friends in law enforcement and they went to question the Sabeans and Chaldeans. They leaned on them and asked who the ringleaders were. The Sabeans said, “Satan made us do it.” The Chaldeans said, “Yeah. Us too.” The social worker said, “Hmm…”.

The Case Files #3: The Sadist

The social worker visited Satan’s office in Hell. Satan said, “What can I do to do… for you? You know, that skirt really accentuates your figure.” She said, “You can start by forgetting it. It’s never going to happen. You’re out of your league. Then you can explain this to me.” And she dropped the files on his desk. He said, “I have no knowledge of this operation… Okay, it’s my initiative but I’m just following orders. It’s all procedural.” She said, “Whose orders?” Satan said, “Can’t help you on that,” and he squirmed like grade-schooler who hadn’t used the bathroom all day. Then she saw “Meeting with Yahweh” on his calendar. “Mm-hm.” He said, “Cocktail?” She said, “Get lost”.

The Case Files #4: The Narcissist

The social worker dimension-hopped her way to Heaven and said, “I want to see God.” The secretary said, “Say a prayer like everyone else.” The social worker said, “I’ll wait”, and she sat down. At end of business God came out and said, “Oh. Hey, how’s that thing going? Love that skirt.” She said, “How was your meeting with Satan? He come up here or you go down there?” God said, “You don’t expect me to never talk to him, do you? Excuse me, I’m on my way out.” She said, “Who’s winning? How does Job feel about it?” And the LORD said unto the social worker, “I don’t like your tone. I made you. Didn’t I? I could kill you.” She looked him in the eye. “We go to print tomorrow”. And God said, “I do what I wanna do.” And he walked out. She said, “Not a problem.”

The Case Files #5: The Victim

The social worker came out of Job’s house and drove away with a smile on her face. Job saw her and went inside. He said, “Who was that?” His wife was sobbing. He said, “What’s wrong?” She handed him a manuscript titled “Job”. And Job read about the inside bet being waged between Satan and God over his faithfulness. He flipped his lid. He said, “What the f—”. [PHONE RINGS] “Hello?” Job said, “Who do you think you are?” And Satan said, “Oh shit. Um… you’re calling for Satan? Hold on, I’ll put you through.” [OPERATOR VOICE] “Dr. William Lane Craig is not available. Please leave a—-”

Job slammed down the phone and said to his wife, “Me and the boys are taking a trip. If we’re not back by tomorrow, send this to Wikileaks and every whistle-blowing organization you can find.” And they suited up.

The Plan [A MONTAGE]

And the social worker gave them a ride to Heaven…

The Assault

…and they crashed God’s boardroom. And God said, “Wait. What are you doing here? This is a closed meeting.” And Job said, “Door was open… Satan’s here… seems pretty open to me.” God said, “Well, we can’t continue the meeting if you’re here. It would defeat the purpose.” Job said, “I am not your plaything. I am not a meter to check to see how much you’re being worshiped and adored. And this asshole couldn’t do a damned thing to me if you weren’t okay with it, you son of a bitch.” [gunfire] And the LORD said unto Job, “You make me laugh. You think you can walk in here with your wrecking crew and tell me how to run my universe?” And he fried them all. The Holy Spirit said, “If I may… this may not be your best solution.” God retorted, “Who asked you. And don’t give me the whole publication thing. We’ll scrap the whole Job section. Screw it.” And the Holy Spirit said, “Well, sure, you can scrap the whole bible. You’ve got references to Job… Ezekiel. Then your New Testament — James, a lot of the other epistles. Pops up in the Qur’an, some other pseudepigraphal books. Then the LDS guys have him in the D&—.” And the LORD said, “Okay, okay.” The Holy Spirit said, “Like I said… Or…” And God revived Job and his boys. He said, “What do you want?” And Job said, “I want my family back.” The LORD said, “Job, I was really counting on carving out a spot for you being the guy with the most patience in history but you’re making things difficult. I don’t want to have to go with someone else on this.” Job said, “I have patience for mistakes. I have patience for accidents. I have patience for plain old bad luck. I have no patience for a deliberate, elaborate, sadistic circle jerk in which my very creator conspires with the one entity into whom He has poured all evil to make me the star of a Machiavellian puppet show written just to test my loyalty to your perfection. You made my ass. You can either respect it or kiss it.” And Job walked out of Heaven.

Epilogue

Then the Holy Spirit pulled an all nighter and laid the revised “Job” on the LORD’s desk in the morning. God read it and paused… “You know, this is really incredible. I thought this was going to make me look bad. But the part where he tries to kill me and it has no effect on me is pretty cool. And I’ve got some great lines. This really has jazz. The only part we have to change is where I resurrect Job’s original children. That cloning issue. Too sticky.” And the Holy Spirit said, “Sorry. It’s already gone to print.” Then the Holy Spirit left… and ran into the social worker in the elevator. He said, “Nice job. Love that skirt.” She said, “Want to have a cocktail?”

Material for this session on the couch comes from the book of Job (KJV)

Watch the video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGgfLOPZLKc

Episode 5: Jesus and the Fig Tree

This is your Bible…

18Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered. 19And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. 20And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon is the fig tree withered away! 21Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. 22And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

This is your Bible on psychotherapy…

And the owner of the fig tree saw all that took place, and was inspired – to file a police report. Then two detectives from the Judeah County Gang Task Force came to interview him because there had been a wave of gang related vandalism in Jerusalem. He said he depended on the fig tree for his living and they urged him to have his insurance adjustor examine the tree while the damage was still fresh. Then they promised him they’d catch the lowlifes who did this. At the precinct scribes copied a police composite artist’s sketches of Jesus and his posse and disseminated them all over town. That afternoon a tip from an informant led them to the temple, where Jesus was in a squab with the chief priests and elders, blindsiding them with obtuse riddles and lame parables. The detectives said to Judas, “This the guy?” And Judas said, “Yeah”. And Jesus said unto Judas, “Ace Kool, you couldn’t even wait til Gethsemane to drop a dime on me?” And Judas said, “I spent my whole savings preaching the end of the world for you and now my credit is ruined. Up yours.” And they hauled Jesus and his apostles downtown.

The nice detective asked Jesus, “Aren’t your mother and father worried about you? How old are you?” Jesus said, “Thirty-three. What do you care?” And the detective said, “Thirty-three and still banging? You gotta be tired of the streets.” But Jesus said, “I come to do my Father’s business. Five-oh can kiss my ass.” Then the angry detective threw open the door and said, “I want five minutes alone with this piece of crap.” He stared Jesus down. He said, “You a player? Let me see your tats.” Jesus said, “My body’s a temple. What’s your beef?” He said, “I’ll tell you what your beef is, punk. Your beef is vandalism, disturbing the peace, vagrancy and inciting to riot.” Jesus said, “For a fig tree? You got nothing on me, pig.” Then he threw Jesus against the wall and got right up in his grill. He said, “Fig tree? I got multiple witnesses put you in the temple yesterday spun up like a base head tearing the place apart. I even got a report of you impersonating a deity. That shit’s a capital offense here, my friend, and you ain’t in juvie. Fig tree!” Jesus said, “Get your hands off me or I’ll call twelve legions of angels down on your ass.” The detective said, “Give it a shot, asshole.” And Jesus invoked his heavenly powers and called for an army of angels.

God and the Holy Spirit were watching up in Heaven and God said, “Was that the signal? He was supposed to use code Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. But I guess we should go.” But the Holy Spirit said, “For this? You’re gonna let him bleed out and suffocate under his own weight in a crucifixion, but do an evac over a fig tree?” And the LORD said, “Yeah, you’re right.” And they changed the channel.

Meanwhile, the nice detective pulled the mean detective off. He said, “Yo, yo, chill out. Let me talk to him.” He got Jesus a sandwich and soda and said, “Mind if I just sit here til the angels get here?” Jesus said, “Whatever, man.” And the detective said, “Ese vato, a guy like you ought to have a wife and family.” But Jesus said, “Unless a man hate his family he can by no means enter the kingdom of Heaven.” The detective said, “See, that’s where you’re wrong. A family is the kingdom of Heaven, man. You can have that. You’re a good looking guy, smart… people like you.” He said, “Why’d you trash that guy’s tree? What did he do to you?” Jesus said, “Nothing. I was mad. And then I was trying to show my boys how you could do anything if you just believed.” The detective said, “That’s awesome. But you destroyed someone else’s property just to make a point. Now his family is going to go hungry to pay for your display of ominipotence. You see the problem here, brother? Figs aren’t even in season.” He looked at the clock and said, “What time are those angels supposed to get here?” And Jesus wept. He said, “My god, why have you forsaken me?” He’d lost his swagger. He told the detective that his real father had abandoned him at conception and he was raised by a milquetoast stepfather who swept his mother’s infidelity under the rug. Kids had called him a worthless bastard in school and it lit the fuse on his obsession to become the most important figure in recorded history.

The nice detective wanted to help Jesus, but he’d caused a lot of property damage and he hadn’t made any friends among the Pharisees. So he pled out on the temple vandalism charges. But the detective testified on his behalf and Jesus was sentenced to mandatory counseling and a hundred hours of community service. The apostles got similar sentences, except for Peter, who maintained he didn’t know Jesus. And all charges against Judas were dropped because he turned state’s evidence; and that put a bitch mark on him for a long time. The fig tree owner decided not to press charges but his insurance company wouldn’t pay out because they determined it was an act of god, so he had to sue Jesus in civil court. But Jesus was low on coin and couldn’t pay. In counseling he faced the hard truth about his involvement in the Trinity gang, a cartel that demanded full obedience in exchange for not being burned alive forever, and he traded in his gat for a hammer and went back to carpentry. That really pissed the LORD off, so when Jesus tried to feed the fig tree owner’s family by dividing five loaves and two fishes, God said you can forget it, because he wasn’t down with Jesus’s new paradigm. But this only hardened Jesus’s resolve. He went back to the streets, preaching about charity and cooperation, but this time without all the cult of personality mumbo jumbo. He became a hit on the lecture circuit and used the proceeds to plant an orchard for the fig tree owner. And he repaid the elders for the damage he’d caused to the temple. But then he said, “If you guys want to get off on people’s deep fears of uncertainty and inadequacy, go ahead, but leave me out of it.” And he hooked up with a babe who made his heart beat faster and they created a little one who thought her dad was da bomb, but not da messiah.

Then all his old apostles and homeys surrounded him on the Mount of Olives where he was having a picnic. They said, “What happened to you, man? It was gonna be awesome. What do we do now?” And Jesus said, “I am not your savior. Man up. I’m peace-n now.” And he spake unto them the Great Commission, saying, “Go ye therefore, and be awesome to everyone, teaching them to observe all things whatsoever make each other’s lives better: and, lo, I am out. Amen.” And he took his family and went off to live in peace.

Material for this session on the couch comes from Matthew 21:18-22 and Mark 11:12-24 (KJV)

Watch the video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zb1NST6DjI

Episode 1: Elisha

This is your Bible…

19 And the men of the city said unto Elisha, Behold, I pray thee, the situation of this city is pleasant, as my lord seeth: but the water is naught, and the ground barren. 20 And he said, Bring me a new cruse, and put salt therein. And they brought it to him. 21 And he went forth unto the spring of the waters, and cast the salt in there, and said, Thus saith the LORD, I have healed these waters; there shall not be from thence any more death or barren land. 22 So the waters were healed unto this day, according to the saying of Elisha which he spake. 23 And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 25 And he went from thence to…

This is your Bible on psychotherapy…

…and there came forth an angel of the lord out of the wood who said, “What are you thinking?” And Elisha enrolled in an anger management seminar and took a hard look at his insecurities. Later he found himself walking down the same road where the mischievous children were loitering, and they again assailed him with bald jokes. Elisha directly experienced the hurt of their careless humor at his expense, and he ran from them, humiliated and crying. They laughed as he ran, though one child felt an unbearable pang of empathy and decided not to associate with these thoughtless rapscallions anymore.

After much reflection and further therapy, Elisha again walked down the same road and met the gang of rambunctious boys. When they saw their favorite target they gleefully called out, “Hey baldie!” Elisha felt the stab of insecurity in his heart and longed for the times in his youth when he had a full head of hair and was more sure of his physical attractiveness. But he fought the urge to reenact the drama of days gone by and responded to the boys, “wuz up, mothafuckas?” They tried to get under his skin again, yelling, “You’re so bald I can see what you’re thinking!” To which Elisha called back, “You can see I’m thinking about your mother?” The boys laughed at Elisha’s quick comeback. Some said, “Ooh, good one!” The next day Elisha deliberately walked down the same road and the youngsters again put him to the test. His rapid-fire comeback was so good, they asked, “How did you do that?” He answered, “I’m a prophet. I knew what you were going to say.” They challenged him. “Oh yeah? Prophesy something.” Elisha quipped, “I predict when you grow up you’re going to be bald.” But then he said, “I’m kidding. Don’t worry about it, it’s no big deal losing your hair. You’ll see.” Then he asked what their names were and invited them to a community center where he coached them under his easygoing leadership to become basketball champs, and they totally slaughtered the Amalekites – in basketball. Elisha felt a sense of peace and confidence he’d never known. Not surprisingly, he soon met a woman he was attracted to who thought his baldness was a kickass part of his mojo. They got it on and pretty soon were talking about having a basketball team of their own.

Material for this session on the couch comes from 2 Kings 2:19-25 (KJV)

Watch the video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMYV01P2LE