This is your Bible…
Strap in. It’s the book of Job at 90 miles per hour…
[Chapter 1] Job. Job was AWESOME. Satan crashed a meeting between the LORD and his angels. God: “Where’d you come from?” Satan: “Oh, you know.” God: “Check out my man, Job. He’s AWESOME.” Satan: “Sure he is… take his toys away and he’ll hate you.” God: “It’s on. You do it. Just don’t hurt him.” Went down like this: Sabeans took his oxen and asses and killed his servants. Fire of God burned up his sheep and more servants. Chaldeans took his camels and killed even more servants. Tornado killed all his kids. Job fell down and praised the LORD. [Ch. 2] God: “Word.” Satan: “Oh, you know.” God: “Check out my man Job? Still AWESOME, even after I let you trash his crib.” Satan: “That’s just stuff. Make it hurt and he’ll hate you big time.” God: “It’s on. But don’t kill him.” Satan went nuts on Job and gave him boils all over. Job’s wife: “You’re pathetic. Curse God and die.” Job: “No, you’re pathetic.” And Job remained AWESOME. Job’s boys Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar rode in. Job looked like crap so they cried and carried on. Then they all sat there for a week and no one said a freakin’ word. Then it all happened…  Job: “I wish I was never born!” [4-5] Eliphaz: “You must have done something to piss God off. Idea: throw yourself on his mercy.” [6-7] Job: “Nice. Even my friends don’t believe me. Can’t sleep. Body looks like a rotting corpse. God, why me?”  Bildad: “You still talking? Tell him you’re sorry. If you’re innocent, he’ll fix everything.”  Job: “If you don’t know what I’ve done wrong, how do you know I’m suffering punishment for wrongdoing? Checkmate!”  “God, why did you let me be born if you knew this was going to happen?”  Zophar: “He’s taking it easy on you. You deserve twice as much for what you’ve done. Whatever it is.”  Job: “Oh, you’re so smart. God’s in charge here, not you.” [13,14] “You guys are the worst friends ever. God, please make it stop.”  Eliphaz: “Stop trying to justify yourself, you’re gonna make it worse.”  Job: “I would have treated you guys better if the tables were turned.”  “It’s not my fault.”  “Is too.”  “Is not. Is anyone taking notes here?”  Zophar: “You know, Job, the wicked always get what’s coming to them.”  Job: “Liars! All of you!”  Eliphaz: “You’re not so great. I’ve seen you do some stuff.” [23,24] Job: “I’m sorry I’m nagging. I just wish I could talk to him in person but I don’t know where he lives.”  Bildad: “You can’t talk directly to God. Nobody can do that.” [26-28] Job: “You guys are losers.”  Job: “I used to have it so good.” [30,31] “Now everything sucks.” [32-37] Elihu: “All four of you suck.” [38-41] God: “Jump back, Jack. I made this whole place. How dare you correct me.” Job: “I know. I suck. I’ll shut up now.” God: “I made one of these. You think there’s anything I can’t do?” Job: “I’ve never seen one of those.” God: “Don’t talk back.”  Job: “I’m sorry.” God: “Don’t worry about it. You three make me sick. Go sacrifice seven bulls and seven rams.” And God gave Job all his stuff back and more. Job: “Can I have my children back too?” God: “Not the same ones. That would require cloning and that’s just wrong.” And God gave him seven more sons and three daughters.
This is your Bible on psychotherapy…
And the Holy Spirit said, “What do you think?” And God said, “I hate this! 42 chapters? Nothing happens except at the beginning and the end. Where’s the hitch, the twist, the complication? It’s a nightmare! It didn’t really happen like this, did it? I’m gone for 40 chapters! A lot of people are going to see this.” The Holy Spirit said, “I can beef it up. Make the characters stronger, give you a twist. But you might not like it.” And the LORD said, “Just fix it.”
So the Holy Spirit brought in an angelic time-traveling social worker and said, “This is full of idiots. Give me action, discovery. Balls. Do what you need to do. Your job’s on the line. We go to print tomorrow.”
The Case Files #1: The Ice Queen
Satan went nuts on Job and gave him boils all over. Job’s wife… The social worker yanked Job’s wife out of space and time and showed her all the good times she and Job had had with their children. She said, “You’ve both been through a terrible tragedy. Nothing can replace your family and you can’t be expected to pick up and carry on like nothing’s happened. But you can choose which well to draw your next action from — your well of anger or your well of grief.” And Job’s wife’s heart broke under the weight of her loss. The social worker said, “Go.” Job’s wife: Job, I know you want to be alone right now but I’m hurting too. I’m here if you need me. And I love you.”
The Case Files #2: The Armchair Philosophers
Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar rode in. They cried and sat there for… an hour. Then Job’s wife came out in tears and said, “What the hell are you guys doing? This is not knights of the round table. This is our life in ruins. Either make yourselves useful or get out.” They were jarred to their feet. Eliphaz went and collected food from the neighbors. Bildad knew a doctor and fetched him to treat Job’s boils and make him more comfortable. Zophar had friends in law enforcement and they went to question the Sabeans and Chaldeans. They leaned on them and asked who the ringleaders were. The Sabeans said, “Satan made us do it.” The Chaldeans said, “Yeah. Us too.” The social worker said, “Hmm…”.
The Case Files #3: The Sadist
The social worker visited Satan’s office in Hell. Satan said, “What can I do to do… for you? You know, that skirt really accentuates your figure.” She said, “You can start by forgetting it. It’s never going to happen. You’re out of your league. Then you can explain this to me.” And she dropped the files on his desk. He said, “I have no knowledge of this operation… Okay, it’s my initiative but I’m just following orders. It’s all procedural.” She said, “Whose orders?” Satan said, “Can’t help you on that,” and he squirmed like grade-schooler who hadn’t used the bathroom all day. Then she saw “Meeting with Yahweh” on his calendar. “Mm-hm.” He said, “Cocktail?” She said, “Get lost”.
The Case Files #4: The Narcissist
The social worker dimension-hopped her way to Heaven and said, “I want to see God.” The secretary said, “Say a prayer like everyone else.” The social worker said, “I’ll wait”, and she sat down. At end of business God came out and said, “Oh. Hey, how’s that thing going? Love that skirt.” She said, “How was your meeting with Satan? He come up here or you go down there?” God said, “You don’t expect me to never talk to him, do you? Excuse me, I’m on my way out.” She said, “Who’s winning? How does Job feel about it?” And the LORD said unto the social worker, “I don’t like your tone. I made you. Didn’t I? I could kill you.” She looked him in the eye. “We go to print tomorrow”. And God said, “I do what I wanna do.” And he walked out. She said, “Not a problem.”
The Case Files #5: The Victim
The social worker came out of Job’s house and drove away with a smile on her face. Job saw her and went inside. He said, “Who was that?” His wife was sobbing. He said, “What’s wrong?” She handed him a manuscript titled “Job”. And Job read about the inside bet being waged between Satan and God over his faithfulness. He flipped his lid. He said, “What the f—”. [PHONE RINGS] “Hello?” Job said, “Who do you think you are?” And Satan said, “Oh shit. Um… you’re calling for Satan? Hold on, I’ll put you through.” [OPERATOR VOICE] “Dr. William Lane Craig is not available. Please leave a—-”
Job slammed down the phone and said to his wife, “Me and the boys are taking a trip. If we’re not back by tomorrow, send this to Wikileaks and every whistle-blowing organization you can find.” And they suited up.
The Plan [A MONTAGE]
And the social worker gave them a ride to Heaven…
…and they crashed God’s boardroom. And God said, “Wait. What are you doing here? This is a closed meeting.” And Job said, “Door was open… Satan’s here… seems pretty open to me.” God said, “Well, we can’t continue the meeting if you’re here. It would defeat the purpose.” Job said, “I am not your plaything. I am not a meter to check to see how much you’re being worshiped and adored. And this asshole couldn’t do a damned thing to me if you weren’t okay with it, you son of a bitch.” [gunfire] And the LORD said unto Job, “You make me laugh. You think you can walk in here with your wrecking crew and tell me how to run my universe?” And he fried them all. The Holy Spirit said, “If I may… this may not be your best solution.” God retorted, “Who asked you. And don’t give me the whole publication thing. We’ll scrap the whole Job section. Screw it.” And the Holy Spirit said, “Well, sure, you can scrap the whole bible. You’ve got references to Job… Ezekiel. Then your New Testament — James, a lot of the other epistles. Pops up in the Qur’an, some other pseudepigraphal books. Then the LDS guys have him in the D&—.” And the LORD said, “Okay, okay.” The Holy Spirit said, “Like I said… Or…” And God revived Job and his boys. He said, “What do you want?” And Job said, “I want my family back.” The LORD said, “Job, I was really counting on carving out a spot for you being the guy with the most patience in history but you’re making things difficult. I don’t want to have to go with someone else on this.” Job said, “I have patience for mistakes. I have patience for accidents. I have patience for plain old bad luck. I have no patience for a deliberate, elaborate, sadistic circle jerk in which my very creator conspires with the one entity into whom He has poured all evil to make me the star of a Machiavellian puppet show written just to test my loyalty to your perfection. You made my ass. You can either respect it or kiss it.” And Job walked out of Heaven.
Then the Holy Spirit pulled an all nighter and laid the revised “Job” on the LORD’s desk in the morning. God read it and paused… “You know, this is really incredible. I thought this was going to make me look bad. But the part where he tries to kill me and it has no effect on me is pretty cool. And I’ve got some great lines. This really has jazz. The only part we have to change is where I resurrect Job’s original children. That cloning issue. Too sticky.” And the Holy Spirit said, “Sorry. It’s already gone to print.” Then the Holy Spirit left… and ran into the social worker in the elevator. He said, “Nice job. Love that skirt.” She said, “Want to have a cocktail?”
Material for this session on the couch comes from the book of Job (KJV)
Watch the video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGgfLOPZLKc